Helpless

Helpless

I feel helpless when:

  

  I am the only ICU coverage day and night for 2 weeks

  

  I am on call in the ICU without epinephrine or morphine

  

   I am on call with a patient on a vent and the sats are dropping because the power is out and the oxygen is on the backup generator,               (sats got down to 20% before kicking on)

  

   I am so encouraged for the ones we help, and so despondent on those we don’t or can’t 

  

  When 50 heart camp kids are doing awesome, but another 100 show up every day with no hope

  

 When my daughter has malaria and won’t take her meds

  When I am stuck in traffic for hours not with family and not with patients

  When I come in and am told “why are you here so early? oh we forgot to call you, doing a case today, and need you to spend the night”, and I can’t go back home due to traffic, parking, etc. so I take a quick nap in the car

   When I have no one to hand over the patient to ever (except for 3 months out of 2 years, the best 3 months of this whole time!)

  When I come in and have no idea when I will be able to leave again

  When a mom (the nurse "won't help) is calling says her ventilated patient can’t breath, and I am 30 minutes away

  When I get a call 5 hours out of town, about a child that needs intubating

  When I am told “why do we need you, I run the ICU” by the surgeon

  When I am flying to Germany with a blue TET who gets TET spells so often, and so frequently, he is on twice a day Valium, and there is no morphine, and if we ask for oxygen, they will turn the plane around

  

When change is slow if at all; and when you know the right thing to do, but no one is listening

  

     I have had many helpless situations in the PICU, as this list does not include from training: why the patient going onto ECMO is still coding, and blowing up like a toad, oh the surgeon has the cannulas backwards; or the again 4am code (what is going on and how do I fix it?); not to mention powerless to get that line in again.

 
    I also had many helpless situations in Africa the first time: my boss sleeps with his wife’s bible study group and she is left behind too far along in her pregnancy to fly and delivers alone; being evacuated out of Southern Sudan not knowing when you will go back, or who or what will be left when you do; often wondering why Lord why??

Failing the boards after studying for 4 years for one test!!

      Why do I bring up this helpless notion? Well it is a good year end summary (as unfortunately all of the above are true, and many more that don’t belong in a blog!) and it is the Christmas story all rolled into one. Christ came as a helpless baby, completely dependent on Mary for all. He lived his life completely dependent on the Father (as we should also) and yet why don’t we?

  

  I think partly because “normally” our lives are so insular or insulated. We have car insurance, health insurance, disability insurance, life insurance, home insurance; we live in this bubble, and maybe think that we don’t need God, you know at least not ALL the time. 

But this Holiday season, I have been struck deeply by 2 truths:

1. Luke 1: 46-49, the beginning of Mary’s song: “And Mary said, my soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for He has looked on the humble estate of His servant.  For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for He who is mighty has done great things for me, and Holy is His name.” I see 3 beautiful things here:              a. Magnification, not minimization; but magnification God is bigger in my soul;                      b. why is God bigger, b/c my spirit rejoices in Him, not “ok, he’s fine”, but rejoices (I really struggle with that);                                                                                                                 and why is all that true c. “humble” estate of His servant, not equal, not employer, servant. A servant is helpless relying completely on his benevolent or malevolent master for everything!

         2.  Song: “ I will bless the Lord forever, and I will trust in Him at all times, He has delivered me from all fear and He has set my feet upon a rock, (so) I will not be moved, and I’ll say of the Lord You are my shield, my strength, my portion, Deliverer, my shelter, strong tower, My VERY PRESENT help in time of need” 

    I love the “I wills” declarative statements; and the “delivered me from all fear” (especially when I am helpless!) and put my feet on HIM the rock. SO he protects (shield and shelter), and is my very present (as they say here “now now”) help in time of need. 

        Helplessness is good, though so tough; it is humbling, servant like, and yet at that time, that exact helpless (but not hopeless) time He is there, how I struggle to be dependent versus despondent in the now. 

     So I am trying to be thankful for the whole list above, as without Him and relying only on HIM I am nothing. Is it fun to go through? of course not, but He becomes more real, more there everytime. I can think of 3 great examples this past year, the Brantleys, the Kelleys, and the Coopers. A shout out to your faithfulness in your helplessness!

    So this Holiday season may we look to the hope of the helpless and maybe even in 2015 dare to be so led by Him that we are hopeful in helpless situations. Emmanuel - God with us!!!!

God Bless and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!